live your life with passion
It happens to everyone
| Losing someone you love leaves you with a dull, heavy weight in your chest. |
I often seen clients who are trying to cope with their heartbreak at the end of a relationship, and they usually look absolutely anguished and shocked – and a bit like they've just been in a major car accident.
Losing someone you love leaves you with a dull, heavy weight in your chest that often, without warning, explodes into lacerating pain.
Indeed it's so painful that many people feel they cannot tolerate the agony – and that is one reason why so many rejected lovers keep hoping against hope that their partner will return and all will be well.
Skewed thinking
It's really common for heartbroken individuals to believe that no one else on earth could possibly fill the gap left by the ex-partner. This is nonsense of course, but grief skews our thinking.I have lost count of the number of times that patients have said to me: 'And that's it for me. I'll never find anyone else. And no one else will ever love me.'
As I try to point out to them, they can't possibly know that they won't find love again – for the simple reason that they don't have a crystal ball!
And actually, telling yourself that your romantic life is over is not at all helpful. It just compounds the misery, and sends very demoralising messages to the brain.
The truth is that in the worst moments of despair, we all tend to feel that nothing nice will ever happen again, but just because we feel that way – it doesn't mean it's true!
So, if this sounds like you, do try – despite all the pain – to be logical, even though you feel your situation is dire.
By all means say: 'I feel absolutely awful and totally crushed because I've been dumped.' But don't then add: 'And no one else will ever love me and I am bound to be lonely for ever.' If you do, you're actually just overloading your brain with misery – and it's got enough to cope with already.
Accepting it's really over
So, how can you get over the pain? How can you learn to live again? How can you start viewing your single status as a fresh and fun opportunity instead of a punishment?Well, the first step towards a new positive future is to finally accept that your ex-partner has gone and will not be coming back.
This means facing your grief and allowing yourself to cry for the loss of your emotional investment, hopes and dreams.
I am afraid that this is a really painful process, but try to remember that you will recover – even if you can't quite believe it right now.
Get bored, get better
The next important thing is to lean on your friends and to talk about your ex until you have no words left to say.You will know you are getting better when you realise that you are actually bored with the subject yourself. Talking is the key to feeling better. When we talk about our hurt it gradually ceases to have power over us and then we recover.
But during this shattering time, it is vital that you look after yourself properly. In fact, you should treat yourself like an invalid.
Take long, hot, scented baths, play music that puts you in touch with your feelings, tempt yourself with favourite foods and allow other people to get close to you and to care for you.
It's also a good idea to get some exercise. We know that physical activity lifts our mood. It helps to boost happy chemicals (endorphins) in the brain. It also sends a very important message to the brain, which is that we are taking care of ourselves and that we're worth bothering with.
It is especially vital that men look after themselves in all the ways outlined above. The trouble with broken-hearted guys is that they are often a bit buttoned-up about their feelings and where a woman will ring a friend and get some of her pain off her chest, a man will often just try to cope alone. This can feel really tough.
And men are less likely than women to buy fruit and vegetables and to eat a healthy diet when they are seriously upset – so they can become less physically fit and well.
They are also more likely to drown their sorrows in a lot of alcohol. Of course some women do this too, but booze is not the answer. In fact, it often makes people feel even more sad and miserable than they were already.
The LEARN process
I devised this acronym, LEARN, many years ago now for a TV programme. I am very pleased to say that since that time, it has helped countless people put the past behind them and move onto new happiness in their lives. Hopefully it will also help you.L stands for LIST
Make a list of all the things about your ex-partner that you did not like. It may start off small, but if you pin it up in your kitchen so that you see it daily, you will be amazed at how it will grow.Remember how he or she always told the same jokes? Or got drunk at parties? Or put you down in company? Or couldn't be bothered to get involved in your job or hobbies?
Write it all down and start realising that maybe your lost relationship was not so great after all.
E is for EXPERIENCE
After a relationship is finished, we tend to think that we can never be loved again. This is not true, of course, but it's what we believe at the time.The fact is that there is every probability you will be loved again. Not by your ex-partner, of course: you will never again share exactly what you had in that relationship, but you can have just as important feelings with someone else.
So, a new love will not replicate the experiences you had with the old one, but you will find that a new love can be an equally good experience – and maybe even a better one.
A stands for APPRECIATION
Appreciation of yourself, that is.You need to look at yourself in the mirror and focus on your best features and congratulate yourself on them. Do this often.
Another helpful task is to write a list of 50 things that you like about yourself. This might take some doing, but it is a rewarding exercise.
You see, when we are dumped we tend to take the blame on our own shoulders. We mentally beat ourselves up for not being more fun or more intelligent, or more attractive, or better in bed.
Try to stop this destructive thinking and – just for a change – allow yourself to feel your own goodness. So, deliberately recall times when you have helped someone, or been kind to a stranger, or put yourself out for a neighbour.
Learning to accept and value your own kindness, beauty and talent is very healing.
R is for REORGANISING
Unfortunately, when you have been half of a couple for a while, many of your friends will be other couples who knew you and your ex.Sadly, some of these people are probably avoiding you like the plague now, fearful, in some cranky way, that having you around will make their own relationship more vulnerable.
But even if you keep plenty of old friends, this is a time when you need a new circle of mates of both genders.
I know you probably don’t feel like going to a French class right now or joining the local Amateur Dramatics – but actually this would be a good time to do it. It would fill your mind with new things and divert it from all that sorrow. Also, you would make new friends who are nothing to do with your ex.
You might also want to consider doing some volunteering. There’s a lot of research now to suggest that altruism is a key component of happiness – and that when we reach out to help others, we feel a much higher regard for ourselves.
We've had a great example of that in this summer's (2012) Olympic Games in London. It's been quite clear that not only have the many thousands of volunteers and Games Makers done a brilliant job, but that their volunteering experience has greatly enriched their own lives.
Volunteering is good for us! And particularly so when we feel rejected and redundant.
So, why not google ‘volunteering’ and wherever you are in the world, you will find lots of opportunities to help one of your favourite charities in some way in your area.
N is for NO SEX WITH YOUR EX!
Often when you have been apart for several months, your ex may suddenly decide that the grass was not greener outside the relationship after all.Or perhaps he or she will sense that you are getting your life in order and may feel jealous that you are now in a position to find someone else. Maybe he or she will just fancy a quick snog for old time's sake.
The trouble is that sex and closeness might make you feel loved and wanted temporarily, but it's likely to bring more sorrow and confusion afterwards – especially if your ex leaves immediately afterwards to go home to his or her new love.
So don't do it. If your ex begs to come back and try again, then you can make a decision at some later date about whether or not you will give it a go. But never have sex before this point.
Therapy
Finally, for many people, losing a partner feels so painful because it echoes feelings of unworthiness or of uncertainty about love from their childhood.If this is happening to you, then you are dealing with two lots of pain and difficulty:
- the end of your relationship
- all that baggage from earlier times.
Being dumped may also deeply offend what you believe should happen to you – and these thoughts may stop you recovering.
At times like this, therapy can be a very good thing. So if your recovery seems to be taking ages, you might want to consider getting some sort of counselling/therapy to help you.
Being dumped is absolute hell – and there’s no getting away from that. But I hope that this article has given you just a glimmer of hope that one day things will improve – because, trust me, they will.
Helpful resources
There is an excellent support group called So You've Been Dumped, which has helped countless people. Take a look at their website. You won't feel nearly so hopeless or alone.My book How to Mend a Broken Heart has recently been updated and published by Bloomsbury Reader as an e-book. It is a comprehensive guide to getting over this terrifying and traumatic time in your life.
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